When it comes to parenting children and teenagers, we can barely move for books, podcasts and friends offering advice.
But the burden of parenthood doesn’t end when a child turns 18 – and, if anything, maintaining a healthy relationship with an adult child can be the hardest phase of them all.
Once we’re no longer their 24-hour caretaker, it can be difficult to strike a balance between the parental authority you’re used to and the respect they need as an adult.
Here, psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur advises on how to create a great relationship with your adult child – and the behaviour to avoid…
Don’t criticise your adult child’s diet
The key to a healthy relationship is treating your child like the adult they are. As they grow, so does the distance between you. It’s a normal part of growing up.
While, naturally, you want to ask about relationships, finances or job issues, it’s important to let your child decide what they’re comfortable discussing. Pressing for details can make them withdraw. Make it clear that you’re offering a non-judgemental ear, so they feel safe coming to you for advice.
If you’re worried about habits such as overeating, or excessive drinking or smoking, approach any conversation with gentle compassion. It’s crucial to avoid criticism, which can lead to defensiveness and avoidance.
Offer your help if they want to make changes, but remember: it’s their decision and – however tough it can be to witness – their mistakes to make.
If you lend money, ask for it back
Treating them like an adult also means having respectful communication and clear expectations of each other. For example, if your child still lives at home, have a discussion about household responsibilities and financial contributions.
It’s often money that causes ructions. If they borrow money from you, be clear about the terms of repayment. Agree a repayment schedule, or give it as a gift without expectation or demands.
Equally important is respecting your adult child’s boundaries, both physical and emotional, and acknowledging their right to make their own decisions. There should be no ‘just popping in’ or re-arranging their room or home.
Don’t show dislike for their partner
If you have concerns about your child’s life choices, approach them with empathy. Instead of outright disapproval, express your feelings through ‘I’ statements – ‘I feel worried about this decision because…’ which stops the conversation feeling accusatory.
Present your concerns as opinion. Remembering those boundaries is also crucial; remind yourself that while you can’t control their choices, you can manage your own reactions. Seeking support from friends or a therapist can help if you have worries.
When discussing their partner, instead of expressing outright dislike, focus on how the dynamics of that relationship may affect their well-being. If you ever feel things aren’t going well, ‘I’m always here for you’ is better than ‘I really don’t like your partner’.
That’s unless you have reason to suspect they’re being abused, in which case offer a safe haven whenever they need it.
They don’t owe you constant contact
Good communication requires mutual respect, flexibility and an understanding of each other’s needs.
If your adult child prefers specific communication patterns, like a brief check-in every two weeks, try to respect their wishes.
By actively listening and adjusting expectations, you can create a system that nurtures the relationship.
Avoid guilt trips
To avoid making your adult child feel responsible for your well-being or happiness, it’s essential to separate your emotional needs from their actions and decisions.
Parents can guilt-trip children, which places the burden of your disappointment on their shoulders.
Try to express your feelings without expectation, such as: ‘I love spending time with you, but it’s great that your work’s going so well.’
Never resort to manipulation.
Don’t be over-hasty with apologies
Reflecting on your parenting behaviour that wasn’t perfect in the past can help heal your relationship with your adult child.
If you recognise errors you made during their childhood, offer a heartfelt apology and take full responsibility.
But do approach this sensitively as some adult children prefer to address difficult memories in their own time.
Allow them to fail
The transition from teenager to adult can be fraught. Remember, you can no longer fix all of their problems. Ask how you can support them and listen, rather than trying to fix things.
Respect their autonomy and allow them to learn through experience – this helps build trust and creates a balanced, healthy relationship for years to come.
As told to Flic Everett. Visit kamalynkaur.com for more.
