Q I am in my early 30s and have been single for a while. Recently I met a man who I really like. We’ve been communicating on social media and have met a few times, but there’s been nothing physical other than goodnight kissing. I felt we were getting on well, but after our last date he didn’t text until I sent a message three days later. He was apologetic for not being in touch and blamed his anxiety. He said that sometimes he has to turn off his phone because he can’t deal with social media and contact. I now don’t know what to believe. I am sympathetic if he suffers from anxiety, but I can’t help wondering if he is in another relationship.
A I agree with you that his behaviour raises some red flags, but he may be genuine. I am always wary when someone seems keen, then starts to back off. It can indicate they are not emotionally available. However, if he does suffer from severe anxiety, it could explain why he is unable to face texts and phone calls. He might even have been worrying that you don’t like him enough.
So meet as friends and ask him if he is willing to tell you a little about his anxiety – what causes it and whether he has sought help for it. This will give you an idea of how genuine it is. The fact that he has not rushed you into bed bodes well because it shows he is not just looking for sex. It might be best if you keep the relationship on slow-burn for now, until you get to know him. The biggest red flag would be if he was not prepared to invite you to his home, which might imply that he shares it with another woman.
WHY CAN’T MY FATHER BE HAPPY FOR US?
Q My father is in his early 80s and keeps going on at me about my money, which is causing me a lot of distress. He always asks my husband and me why we go on so many exotic holidays and how we have so much to spend. He says that this is unfair on my younger sister, who has three children and can’t afford the same lifestyle.
So meet as friends and ask him if he is willing to tell you a little about his anxiety – what causes it and whether he has sought help for it. This will give you an idea of how genuine it is. The fact that he has not rushed you into bed bodes well because it shows he is not just looking for sex. It might be best if you keep the relationship on slow-burn for now, until you get to know him. The biggest red flag would be if he was not prepared to invite you to his home, which might imply that he shares it with another woman.
Most of the time, I put this money obsession down to my father being anxious and old. We also fear that he might be in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and are currently waiting for an appointment at the memory clinic. But his behaviour is getting more and more annoying and upsetting. It is true that my husband and I take three or four holidays a year. However, the only reason we have more to spend is because we were unable to have children. After many painful years of trying, we decided that we would draw a line and have as many experiences as we could to give meaning to our lives.
We are even hoping one day to volunteer abroad. I do feel sorry for my sister as I know that she and her husband have financial worries. I have, in fact, helped her out occasionally and we are generous to their children. But my father seems to have forgotten that we have had our own heartbreak and is trying to make me feel guilty and selfish.
A Unfortunately, an obsession with money can be a common feature of Alzheimer’s. Your father’s concern may also touch on his own feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps you and your husband are more successful than he was, which may make him feel guilty that he can’t help your sister. He might even be envious of your lifestyle.
However, your spending power has come at the cost of huge sadness and I feel that you would swap it for children of your own in a heartbeat. It is sad for you that your father, with his declining memory, is no longer able to understand this. If he has dementia, he won’t be aware of the pain his views cause you. Try to tell yourself that the things he says are not a true representation of the facts – you have made a brave and wise decision to build a meaningful life and you and your husband more than deserve this.
Please contact alzheimers.org.uk for support as, sadly, it is likely that you have a difficult road ahead. Meanwhile, letters about the pain of childlessness usually elicit many responses empathising and agonising with this position. So for you and other readers affected, I want to direct you to gateway-women.com and worldchildlessweek.net (which actually operates year round) for support. It is important not to feel alone with this pain.
