Q My husband and I are worried about how our daughter-in-law treats our son. Admittedly, they did have a sad time in the early years of their marriage. She suffered a family tragedy, then several miscarriages. She blamed one of those losses on our daughter who, she says, had put pressure on her to see more of us. They did eventually have a son, then adopted two other children.
We hoped our relationship with our daughter-in-law would improve. However, even though we have helped them both in every way we can, even buying premises for her business, we have now fallen out over money. Although she could sometimes be nice to us, if she invited us over, it always seemed that she wanted something.
She treats our son badly and I feel he is there just to provide. He is quiet, sensitive and does everything she says because he seems frightened of her. When she sold the business, my husband asked for some of the money back because it was from his retirement pot, but she refused. My husband has now fallen out with our son over it, too. We have not been allowed to see the grandchildren since the row and, though I occasionally see my son, he will not meet his father. I used to think she was a good mother in spite of everything, but what kind of mother doesn’t let her children see their grandparents?
A This is a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Your daughter-in-law has had a great deal of loss and much of this grief might remain unresolved, especially if she has not sought help. Perhaps this has affected how she behaves and brought out a difficult side to her. However, she sounds materialistic and entitled, so I wonder if the grief has changed her or whether she was like this before. It is sad that your son has fallen out with his father, but it is good that he still has contact with you.
The description of your son being frightened and doing everything his wife says suggests her behaviour might constitute coercive control (which is illegal). It is often overlooked that men can be victims, too. Controllers cut off their partners from friends and family. Perhaps your son wants to reach out to his father and repair the relationship, but is being manipulated with accusations of disloyalty.
It also sounds as if she is controlling the finances, even though he is the earner. It is important that you keep the relationship with your son so he can confide in you. But in the meantime, I recommend that you contact Mankind Initiative (mankind.org.uk) who can talk things through and give you advice on how to speak to your son and help him to assess whether his relationship is healthy or not. A plan could also be made to support him and the children.
WHY DIDN’T HE TELL ME ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER?
Q I am in my early 50s, have been married for 20 years and my world has just been turned upside down. My husband has recently revealed that he has an adult child by a previous partner. This 22-year-old daughter, of whom he had no previous knowledge, contacted him a few weeks ago. He says that he now wants to have a relationship with her and realised that he would have to tell me.
I am devastated and our two teenage sons are in shock. I can’t believe that my husband has been keeping this a secret when I thought I knew him so well. It feels like he had an affair even though this was a while before I knew him.
A Of course this is a huge shock for you. I can understand why it feels as though your husband had an affair because suddenly he has another child. However, he didn’t – and he has done nothing wrong. In fact, it is sad that he has missed his daughter’s childhood and it’s important they have the chance to become part of each other’s lives. Remember he, too, would have been in shock and might have needed time to process it.
It does not reflect on your closeness that it took him a while to tell you. I suspect you might feel your husband’s love for your sons could be threatened by this daughter. But love doesn’t work like that, it expands. So talk to your husband and urge him to be mindful of how his sons need to remain his priority. This will be a big adjustment but, in time, it could even be a happy one. While your emotions are understandably all over the place, contact Family Action on 0808 802 6666 for support.
