How do you know if you’re – whisper it – bad in bed? Do you worry that you lack experience, or that your beloved is underwhelmed by sex with you? Or maybe you believe that they’re the one with the problem, as they’re inconsiderate or unenthusiastic between the sheets.
What’s certain is that neither situation is good for your love life.
New data, from sex education website Beducated’s Decoding Desire survey, found that 60 per cent of respondents are not happy with their sex life. The worry? Your husband or wife could be one of this majority who wish their sex life was better.
Sex and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers counsels many people who fear they are ‘bad in bed’.
She says: ‘It’s crushing. It also leads to performance anxiety which is counterproductive. You want to go into a sexual experience carefree and open, feeling good and safe.’
Here Ms Christophers explains six common obstacles to great sex, and how to get the chemistry bubbling again…
You can only do it with the light off
When you lack body confidence, you don’t feel free to be open or spontaneous so you’re less responsive. You might insist on having sex in the dark, or under the covers. It can help to focus on what you do like, and what feels good.
Setting the mood with music or candles can help you feel sexier, as can feeling confident in your relationship. Knowing what your partner loves about sex with you can be a boost. Tap into their desire.
Mid-passion, you remember you need to put a wash on…
Some people need a tidy house before they can enjoy sex and give it their full attention. So be aware of what distracts you mid-passion.
We perceive sex as good when we feel relaxed, aroused and immersed. Good sex is also about being connected: losing yourself in the pleasure of it, not even thinking about your next move, as if you’re dancing together. If you do get distracted, recognise it’s happening, notice it, and practise thinking, ‘I’m going to focus in on my bodily sensations.’
You never talk about sex
If you’re too embarrassed to discuss sex with your partner, or ask a question, you can’t be sure of what they like, or want.
Maybe you like quickies, while they like to take their time. Have you checked? I often see this in long-term relationships. People are open and chatty early on, then silently fall into patterns around sex. It becomes predictable, a little boring, not quite what you want it to be. Talking might feel awkward, and it requires care and tact, but it’s important.
You stick to your tried and trusted technique
Your last partner loved that special technique of yours so it’s natural to think ‘I know what I’m doing, and what buttons to press.’
But actually, with every partner, sex is a blank canvas. You start again and learn together – and keep learning. This applies, even if you’ve been married for decades. Preferences can change as bodies change. How sensitive your partner is and how they want to be touched is always evolving.
Your partner’s rarely in the mood
Some people have ‘obligatory sex’ because they know their spouse will get upset if they don’t. Yes, it’s confidence-crushing if you’re always the one persuading the other into bed.
Consent means both partners want sex equally. But there are many reasons why desire levels vary. If you prefer morning sex, and your partner prefers it at night, you need to talk about this, and find something that works for both.
If you’ve argued or they’re stressed, they might not feel like it. Try not to see it as a rejection. If you can also become attuned to what helps your partner feel desire (a fun evening together, with no sense of sexual obligation?) your libidos may sync more often.
You’re mortified if you don’t ‘perform’
Good sex is not a show. Take the pressure off yourself. Most people much prefer genuine connection, intimacy and fun. Men do worry about maintaining an erection, and it’s easy for both parties to become too focused on their partner’s enjoyment.
Instead, focus on the physical sensations you’re experiencing. If you continue to learn about what you and your partner like, you’ll naturally stop fretting about performance.
Miranda Christophers, mirandachristophers.co.uk, is founder of The Therapy Yard. thetherapyyard.co.uk
Beducated is an online platform for sex education for adults. Full results of their Decoding Desire survey can be found at beducated.com
