Don’t let Steve Borthwick’s tired excuses fool you – this England team has no accountability, no plan B… and no hope

Desperate times call for desperate measures. England are stuck in a hole and France are bearing down on them, so drastic action is called for. Find a way to cancel Le Crunch.

There’s nothing else for it – no other solution. So, start by bricking up the Channel Tunnel, then seek help to organise an air traffic control strike and station what is left of the Royal Navy across the sea lanes. Failing that, perhaps the Border Force can be persuaded to block Antoine Dupont and a few other Gallic galacticos at passport control.

Any other bright ideas? None leap to mind.

All joking aside, the outlook is bleak. After defeat in Dublin served as yet another false start to the Six Nations, England’s own verdict suggested that hope is faint for their next assignment, against the title favourites. In their own words, they lacked experience and sufficient time together.

Well, Steve Borthwick can’t suddenly rustle up an extra 500 caps’ worth of Test pedigree. Sure, he could bring back Dan Cole yet again, or maybe name Elliot Daly on the wing. But, in truth, there are no silver bullets and the experience factor is over-stated anyway.

France had a new wing in their starting XV against Wales and he immediately looked at home – scoring two tries in a 43-0 win. On the other flank was Louis Bielle-Biarrey, who has scored 12 tries in 15 appearances, at the age of 21. The French trust rookies with supreme potential, just as Borthwick trusted Immanuel Feyi-Waboso a year ago and was repaid for that show of faith. Now, England are weakened by the absence of a new sensation with just eight caps to his name.

The Red Rose continues to wither. We keep seeing the same movie and it has the same soundtrack on a loop. England lose and the party line is that they lack experience and time together. But that doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

The starting XV in Dublin had the thick end of 600 caps between them. The likes of Genge, Cowan-Dickie, Itoje, Tom Curry, Marcus Smith, Slade, Lawrence and Steward have all been around this block enough times now to know what the job entails. How many caps are required for all the necessary pennies to drop about what it takes to thrive in the international game? Good players don’t need a decade to find their feet.

According to Borthwick, the greater Irish cap count was a crucial factor, in which case, England are doomed against France. Again, there is a focus on data when the only decisive numbers were the ones on the scoreboard. Younger teams can beat older teams. It is far from unthinkable.

The head coach spoke about his team having only been together for six months but, with all due respect, that simply isn’t the case. Selection always evolves as bright young things are integrated, but the English core is well established. And it is portrayed as if they come into camp and have to learn the sport from scratch, which is a false impression.

Tired excuses are playing on repeat amid a series of groundhog-day results. This was yet another one-score defeat, but one which was distorted in England’s favour. In truth, they were soundly beaten after conceding 22 unanswered points.

The stark fact is that Ireland were good enough to adapt on the hoof and find a way to win, whereas England had no answer when the momentum shifted after half-time. They were magnificent before the break, especially in defence – as a resounding endorsement of the shift away from the blitz – but when Ireland turned the tables, they had no clue how to react.

It has become an all-too familiar pattern and problem over many years, since the heady days of Johnson and Dallaglio and glory. English rugby produces an endless torrent of heroically-committed players, but the suspicion must be that it is often so scripted and micro-managed that the men on the field lack the innate feel and nous they need, to change tack when Plan A goes up in smoke.

To be fair to Borthwick, Plan A worked a treat at the Aviva Stadium. The bold call to deploy the Curry brothers and Ben Earl together in the back row was looking like a masterstroke at half-time, as the visitors led 10-5. 

Tom Curry delivered one of his finest performances for England – with a late try to go with all the tackles and jackals, clear-outs and thunderous carries – while Ollie Lawrence had a stand-out game in midfield, but once Ireland hit their stride, it all went wrong in a hurry.

There was a glaring collapse in English discipline and composure. While Ireland’s replacements had a telling impact, their opponents’ callow reserves merely accelerated the turning of the tide in favour of the hosts. Borthwick’s side unravelled, with their defence losing intensity and the attack becoming ragged, before the Irish switched off for just long enough to concede two consolation strikes.

This was England’s seventh defeat in nine Tests. They have only managed to beat Japan in that miserable sequence. While there were near-misses against New Zealand and Australia in the autumn, this really wasn’t as close as the scoreline suggests.

On Borthwick’s watch, England have now lost 15 of 29 Tests. Back in October, 2023, the RFU chief executive, Bill Sweeney, declared that the game in this country was ‘on the cusp of something spectacular’. When, exactly? Instead, the union is battling a grass-roots revolt and the national team are lurching from one setback to the next; ranked seventh in the world and armed with powerful, downward momentum.

Frankly, this depressing routine has become so familiar that there is no sense of jeopardy any longer. Not so long ago, a stockpile of negative results over such an extended period would have been deemed utterly unacceptable by the world’s richest union, but those in charge are too busy fighting fires to start firing coaches.

So, where to from here? Back to south west London, where England have to step into the path of a Gallic juggernaut. France could turn up at Twickenham and toss a coin to decide how to beat their cross-Channel rivals this time. Heads? Fling it around; ‘joue, joue’. Tails? Go route one and make use of superior forward firepower.

Fabien Galthie has Dupont the genius, he has Damian Penaud back – fresh from scoring nine tries in two games for Bordeaux – and he has Uini Atonio and Emmanuel Meafou providing 45 stone of heft on the tighthead side of his scrum. What a monstrous proposition that is.

As Sweeney tries to cling to power, he has distanced himself from the appointment of Borthwick. But he will be forced to endure a close-up view of what could turn into another brutal ordeal, two years after Le Crunch became Le Crash, as the French stormed to a record 53-10 win.

England’s latest round-one defeat – a fifth in six years – means they are already destined to endure another year of making up the Six Nations numbers, in midtable at best. Lose to France, as widely expected, and next comes a showdown against Scotland, who have won the last four Calcutta Cup fixtures to establish an extended period of dominance over the ‘auld enemy’.

All of this shouldn’t just be allowed to become the new normal; no real title hope and a perennial journey towards a distant destination, with defeat after defeat written off as an inevitable learning process. But there is no jeopardy or accountability. Targets are reduced and distorted.

Soon enough, the England women’s team will be conquering all-comers again, so the conflated win ratios will look nice and shiny. Not long after that, it will be time for more back-slaps and bonuses. So, don’t be fooled by the prospect of another mediocre men’s campaign – all is well, honest.