I argued males shouldn’t join our breastfeeding support group – and was called a bigot and Nazi

It is hard to describe the atmosphere in words. When a group of mothers come together with their newborn babies – often just weeks or even days old – you find deep connections are quickly forged.

The mutual support they offer feels like a huge maternal hug, something visceral and instinctive and utterly unique.

This is what I found when I turned to La Leche League (LLL), one of the oldest and largest charities supporting women in the world.

With organisations in more than 80 countries, and 70 branches in the UK, LLL promotes breastfeeding through education and helps women who struggle to feed their babies – as many do – in those magical mother-to-mother meetings.

When my first child was born in 2016, I found feeding hard, but felt a surprisingly strong biological urge to persist. Saved by my local La Leche League in Edinburgh, I fell in love with the charity, and in time became what it calls a Leader – a breastfeeding counsellor – myself.

Throughout the pandemic and beyond, as I had my second baby and while working as a vet, I ran support groups in my community. Indeed, I believed in the purpose and methods of LLL so much, I became a Trustee and member of the Council of Directors of LLLGB.

But no longer. Two weeks ago I resigned, unable to stand by while I feel the objectives of a charity I love are changed beyond all recognition, and utterly fed up with being called a bigot and even a Nazi for raising my concerns.

Put simply, LLL is forcing Leaders to allow male people who want to breastfeed babies into meetings that were previously reserved for biological women only.

In doing so, not only are they changing that wonderfully intimate atmosphere, they’re also making Leaders support the concept of ‘male lactation’ in ways that many of us find uncomfortable. The truth is, the presence of biological males at LLL meetings will change the dynamic completely and may stop women getting the help they need.

I remember feeling a bit miffed that my husband couldn’t stay with me at the first LLL meeting I attended, but it didn’t take long for me to understand why.

Women bare all – emotionally and physically. They talk about difficult, even coercive, relationships. They chat about their sex life after having a baby and how they feel about their changing body. They swap stories of perineal tears and prolapses, pressure from others to give a bottle, and so many more things.

The women who come to our meetings might be breastfeeding outside the home for the first time. They might have cracked and mangled nipples. They might feel failure, guilt and then elation when feeding begins to work. There are often tears of joy and pain.

My objection to male people joining in is not a trans rights issue. I believe everyone should be free to live how they want, be addressed with kindness and respect, and enjoy all the freedoms we have come to expect in 2024.

What is happening with La Leche League, and in many other charities and organisations, is an issue of sex – not gender identity. Often, we spy the first signs of a radical shift when language begins to change. About three years ago, in LLL publications and materials, I noticed ‘mother’ being replaced with ‘parent’, ‘breastfeed’ being replaced with ‘chestfeed’, and women constantly being referred to as ‘breastfeeding families’.

But these language changes very quickly evolved into what I feel is a total departure from LLL’s philosophy and mission, led by a group of zealots from within the organisation. Leaders who expressed concerns about clarity of language – for example for women for whom English is not their first language – were ridiculed.

As an inclusive organisation, we were told, we would have to welcome to our meetings trans-identifying men who wished to breastfeed. But this struck a group of us as wrong for many reasons, not least whether or not it was physically safe for a baby to be breastfed by a biological male.

Biological males who want to attempt breastfeeding have to take a cocktail of drugs. The NHS tells biological women to check with their GP before taking so much as an ibuprofen tablet.

There were other safeguarding concerns, including the social and physiological safety of a mother separated from her baby so a male can breastfeed, the psychological safety of women in the room where a man is present, and the need for privacy for women with certain religious beliefs.

When a group of worried Leaders raised these concerns, we were told we were transphobic, and even compared to racists and Nazis.

It felt as if language was being deliberately used to confuse us. Were we changing it to include non-binary female people, male people, transmen (biological women who have transitioned and present as men)?

It wasn’t clear. And it mattered. Amid the confusion, the Leader body were led to believe nothing untoward was happening and that any questions or concerns were from old, bigoted Leaders who would hopefully shuffle off soon. I remember a post on Facebook which said they hoped all those who disagreed with their view on inclusion would hurry up and die.

Eventually, a group of British Trustees articulated our concerns to the LLL International Board in America. This then triggered an email from the Board to all LLLGB Leaders which clearly stated that GB Leaders were obliged to provide breastfeeding support ‘to all nursing parents, regardless of their gender identity or sex’.

We found this worrying, and knew it contravened the objects of LLL’s British branch as set out to the Charity Commission, which begin with the words: ‘To promote the physical and psychological health of mothers and children . . .’

Yet the Charity Commission’s reaction, when we raised it with them, was dismissive, condescending and ultimately unhelpful. They did not seem to care that a minority of members were trying to push the charity in a direction that could harm those ‘mothers and children’, and they did not seem to care that a group of ideologues in the US had unreasonable influence over a British charity.

If felt as if they were essentially rolling their eyes and telling us to stop bickering like silly little girls.

Despite this, the LLLI Board is standing firm and insisting women in the UK must support male lactation and breastfeeding, if we want to be Leaders.

Indeed, it has demonstrated its power by removing my Leader accreditation and those of other Trustees who have raised concerns. This is not because of anything we have done as breastfeeding counsellors, but because we performed our legal duty as Trustees by questioning whether we are sticking to our charitable objects.

Their actions have left hundreds of women who regularly attend La Leche League meetings bereft of support. The LLLI Board has shown that theoretical male lactation trumps the needs of real women living in the UK.

That is why I resigned from the board. Similar concerns have now forced one of the very founders, 94-year-old Marian Tompson, who set up La Leche League in 1956, to denounce its modern incarnation as ‘a travesty of my original intent’.

LLL has shifted, she said in a hard-hitting letter to senior figures within the organisation this week, from a focus on ‘mothering’ to ‘indulging the fantasies of adults’.

Many have asked why I stayed for so long or how other Leaders can stand this. It is very hard to describe how life-changing LLL (in its true form) has been, and the emotional ties and responsibility that Leaders feel towards LLL and their local mums. The grief I feel at losing LLL from my life is huge.

Until now it has been easier for Leaders to turn a blind eye and carry on running meetings. Many are private women who don’t like making a fuss and are simply trying to help others as they were helped themselves.

I stand with them – the shocking truth I am revealing to the public is not of their making. But it is time now for Leaders in the UK to listen to their hearts, and decide what to do next.

Their valuable work – and the help hundreds of women and babies receive every day – depends on it.