I’m writing this from my pitch-black bedroom with a packet of Tylenol and a jug of water by my bedside as I battle a pulsating migraine.
I don’t have the flu and I’m not hungover — I’m recovering from a day of trying to eat and drink like Donald Trump.
I actually have a newfound respect for the president-elect, who consumes multiple McDonald’s burgers, Milky Way candy bars, Doritos chips, milkshakes and up to a dozen Diet Cokes per day.
How, at 78, he managed to survive two assassination attempts, tour the country doing hours-long rallies and win an election while consuming this cocktail of hyperpalatable mush is beyond me — I haven’t even been able to make it into work and I’m more than half his age.
Trump’s notorious diet has been back in the news recently for a few reasons. Ironically, he has nominated fast food crusader Robert F Kennedy Jnr to be his health secretary.
And Trump’s longtime friend and UFC boss Dana White — who joined him on multiple campaign stops this year — said recently he was stunned by Trump’s diet and refusal to drink water.
‘It’s six hours. So, I’ll ask him, ‘You want a water?” White said, adding Trump said ‘no’. ‘And then someone will bring him over a coke. And he’ll drink coke. I’ve never seen him drink water. Ever,’ White said.
Having put myself through several grueling diet and exercise routines in the name of journalism, I decided to attempt Trump’s diet and get inside in the mind of America’s 47th president.
I debated trying it for a week but then chickened out and settled on one day, figuring ‘How bad could a single day be?’
But boy was I wrong…
According to multiple sources, Trump isn’t a big breakfast eater and instead opts for a big lunch or a mid-morning snack to keep him going.
But I am a hungry person in the morning so I needed to eat.
While Trump’s chips of choice are Nacho Cheese Doritos, I couldn’t bear to spend my entire day with cheesy breath so I opted for a sharing bag of the Cool Ranch flavor (I did say I’m hungry in the morning!)
I also chugged two Diet Cokes — I figured if I needed to get 12 of these bad boys in me then I better start early.
My belly was full (not in a nice satiated way) when I finished these at 10am. But by 11am, my body had quickly worked its way through the 40-plus chemicals and ingredients in the chips and soda.
I got into a fight over nothing with my partner as we walked through Manhattan and I threw a tantrum that they described as the ‘worst I have ever seen.’
What’s strange is that even though the Doritos bag had 2,250 calories (almost as much as the CDC recommends men eat in an entire day), when the fullness wore off, my hunger pangs were extremely intense, which I blamed on the chips being completely void of nutrients and fiber, which take longer to break down in the body and make you feel fuller longer.
This mixture of feeling guilty about what I was doing to my body and being so hungry quickly made me irritable.
For lunch, I had a well-done steak with ketchup, which is Trump’s favorite midday meal, according to the politician’s former butler at Mar-a-Lago.
Given how grumpy and nutrient-deprived I was already, I decided to throw in some salad leaves for health and mental health purposes.
I ate the whole thing greedily, giddy to finally have some real food – but the ultra-sweetness of the ketchup and the meatiness of the steak made the meal rather sickly.
I washed the whole thing down with yet another Diet Coke.
Afterwards, feeling full and energized, I took a 30-minute walk around the block to try and calm my system a bit.
My partner chose not to accompany me this time around, which he assured me had absolutely no connection to that morning’s events.
Three more Diet Cokes later — I was in a race to make that 12 target — I had consumed 276 milligrams (mg) of caffeine now, or nearly three cups of coffee.
I was feeling slightly anxious at this point from the caffeine (I normally drink decaf because I hate the jitters coffee gives me).
For dinner at 6:30pm, it was two Big Macs and two filet-o-fish.
Some of Trump’s close allies claim he only has one of each, but in the book ‘Let Trump Be Trump’ his aides say when The Don is hungry he doubles up.
That suited me, I was pretty hungry and looking forward to a proper meal.
Trump supposedly has this meal with a small chocolate milkshake, but I opted for a Fanta instead to try and hit the goal of 12 sodas.
Trump’s love for McDonald’s and fast food is apparently rooted in the fact he’s a famous germaphobe.
He told a CNN town hall in 2016: ‘I like cleanliness, and I think you’re better off going there than maybe someplace that you have no idea where the food is coming from. It’s a certain standard.’
I have to say the two Filet-o-Fish, which I had never had before, were actually quite nice. I might order them again.
But the Big Macs did not agree with me. Every bite was a struggle, my stomach was making unusual noises and I began gagging with every mouthful as I tried to shove it in my mouth and get it over with quickly.
I gulped down the rest of the Fanta and then sat down to watch two episodes of The Great British Baking Show with one more can of Diet Coke.
This took me to seven cans, or 322mg of caffeine (the Fanta Orange was caffeine-free), which is just shy of the FDA limit of 400mg per day.
This is when I tapped out, I wanted to be able to sleep!
I would normally lie down on the couch at this time but lying down was an impossible task that sparked severe acid reflux.
I sat upright, staring straight at the television.
By 10pm I got into bed and read the DailyMail.com website with my wide-open caffeine-powered eyes. I then listened to my favorite podcast and scrolled X.
But I was still wide awake. I tried a 30-minute meditation, but still couldn’t sleep.
The clock struck 1am, 2am, and then 3am before I dozed off into what my fitness tracker recorded as my worst night of sleep ever.
WHOOP considers anything below 70 percent to be a poor sleep, and anything over 85 percent to be optimal. I normally languish just over 60 percent.
I scored just 27 percent last night.
This would explain Trump’s late-night tweeting rages, I thought.
To stay true to Dana White’s comments, I avoided water all day.
This, combined with the 6,800mg of sodium I consumed (three-times the recommended daily limit) might explain why I couldn’t get any shut-eye.
Consuming a meal high in sodium at dinnertime can contribute to sleep disturbances, partly due to increased blood pressure and fluid retention.
Overall, I consumed a little over 5,000 calories and 253grams of fat, three times the recommended level of 78grams.
I also consumed 108grams of sugar overall, which is triple the FDA recommendation of up to 36 grams per day for men.
Many people would come away from this and look down on Trump for his diet choices, but I’ve gone the opposite way.
To be able to eat this every day and function at the highest level, he really is a force of nature.
