How many times have we heard women say that when their husband walked out on them it came ‘out of the blue’? There was no warning, they insist – no flaming rows, no lack of interest in the bedroom, no indication of an affair, he merely packed a back and left.
The painful truth is that, in many cases, there will have been signs all was not well, It’s just that they may have shown themselves in such a subtle and gradual way that the wife didn’t notice until it was too late.
Leading relationship therapist Joanna Harrison, author of the book Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have and Why the Washing Up Matters, says such signs are rarely as dramatic as you’d think. ‘The opposite of love isn’t hate,’ she says, ‘it’s indifference. That’s the real killer.’
A former divorce lawyer who has spent the past 20 years counselling separating couples, Joanna has unrivalled experience in spotting those subtle clues. ‘Very often, women don’t pick up on the signs at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight they say there was a disconnection.’
She also knows how to encourage people not to leave – even if someone has cheated. In some cases, says Joanna, an affair can be viewed as ‘a huge wake-up call for a relationship’ instead of a path to divorce.
Read on to discover the eight warning signs that your husband might be looking for the exit – and Joanna’s five-step plan to mend your marriage…
He’s like a visitor in your home
When you live together, you show you care by cooperating and working as a team. You get the washing up sorted between you; one person mows the lawn and the other vacuums, and so on. But if someone seems less engaged than they have been – more interested in having their own personal fun than being involved with the day-to-day stuff – that’s a warning sign. There’s a shift away from being a team player.
He spends a selfish amount of time on his hobbies
When a relationship is working, you negotiate your independence and your togetherness. What I notice when things are breaking down is that without asking for consent, he’ll do more of what he enjoys – the cycling or the sailing or the seeing male friends – without caring about the impact that has on you or your time as a family. Those activities are probably starting to represent his new imagined life.
You don’t fight
Certain rows are cruel or controlling, but usually, when couples argue, they’re saying ‘I care so much about our relationship that I want us to tackle this issue that’s arisen between us’. Whether he’s complaining that your work hours are too long, or you’re telling him you want to go out more, an argument is a bid for connection as much as it’s a difference of opinion.
If a man is thinking of leaving, he might have stopped arguing – because he’s given up on the relationship.
He’s stopped asking for sex
I’ve counselled men who say, ‘I’m sad that we’ve stopped having a physical relationship. I’ve asked my wife so many times – nothing changes.’ Then he meets someone else who feels differently, realises what he’s missing and stops asking for sex at home.
He might not leave to be with that Other Woman specifically, but the affair galvanises him into making the leap. (This can happen to a woman in a relationship too, of course: a sudden burst of sexual interest from another man can give a tempting glimpse of life beyond a marriage.)
He doesn’t cuddle up or hold hands
Sometimes, rather than a complete absence of sex, there’s a change in the small daily shows of affection. You feel a coldness start to develop. You realise he’s not touching you. Holding hands or sitting close is a visceral way of showing you like someone. Physical affection isn’t just a sign of how much you fancy each other – it’s a sign of your interest in each other.
You sense an emotional absence
Don’t underestimate the power of a gut feeling. When you’ve lived with a person for a long time, you can feel when something’s ‘off’. You might not be able to articulate it – this one really is subtle – but you sense a shift of focus, a switching away. He’s looking out, not in.
You might not see obvious signs, but it does take planning to leave – and if he’s started the process, he’s using mental bandwidth that suddenly becomes unavailable within the marriage.
He evades talk about the future
In any marriage, you chat about the relationship and its future. Which friends you’ll go on holiday with next summer; where you might live when the kids have left home. But someone who is thinking of leaving will be dismantling all of that in their head.
To separate, one has to be selfish: he’s not thinking in relationship terms, he’s thinking about himself. If he shuts down talk of future plans, no matter how trivial, it’s a worrying sign that he isn’t necessarily thinking that his future is with you.
You feel diminished by him
If the person you love persistently shows a lack of goodwill for you or the relationship, it’s draining and demoralising. He might seem irritable with you, or just uninterested. It’s quite difficult to leave a settled relationship, and he knows it’s going to hurt you. If he cuts off emotionally from you – or even makes you start to dislike him – it makes it easier for him.
If you’ve spotted more than two of the above signs, you now know your marriage might be in trouble. So, what do you do next? I can help you change your relationship so that your husband wants to stay – but first, you must decide if you do. Read on to discover the green flags that give you both hope, and the red flags that signal it’s time to call it quits…
GREEN FLAGS
You manage to talk about sex!
If sex, or lack of it, is a problem you want to resolve, you do need to have those difficult conversations. It’s frightening and risky because you feel so vulnerable. But it may be that both of you feel insecure in the relationship, thinking the other isn’t interested, because neither of you has actually asked the question.
Only by talking do you realise you both want to resume a sex life. (Because it’s so tricky to discuss, it might be good to seek help from a therapist.)
He wants to make up after a row
If you are arguing, either clashing in a big way or having tetchy, frustrating skirmishes, is it because he’s still trying to understand you? In a working relationship, after a row, couples try to make amends.
They’ll want to have a conversation to put things back together and repair them. If you both feel able to talk about how you feel – and he’s interested in listening – that’s a good sign. Where there’s curiosity, there’s potential.
He’s had an affair – but regrets it
Affairs are not dealbreakers. There, I’ve said it. In fact, an affair can be a huge wake-up call for a relationship. Yes, it is a massive crisis, but it can also make both partners realise that something in the marriage has been neglected.
It alerts them to what needs attention – and that can be positive. I’m not saying it’s okay to cheat. It’s destructive, and immature. (Plus, some men just like having sex with lots of people and their cheating has nothing to do with the state of their relationship.)
But what I often see is that some people cheat because they’ve lost hope their marriage can be fixed. If they’re given that hope, they often feel hugely remorseful about the affair. ‘I felt lonely – there was no intimacy,’ they might say, ‘but now I realise there are ways to fix it and I truly regret what I did.’
If he’s had an affair, he’ll talk about it
You probably don’t want to hear it all, and it’s not necessarily healthy to ask for every detail – but if he’s committed to trying again, he’ll answer your questions. He’ll want to understand what was going on between you that led to his infidelity.
More generally, both of you should be able to discuss your needs and concerns, and the other should listen. It’s not worth saving if he isn’t interested in how you feel – or vice versa, let’s not forge t!
He’s up for being transparent
To trust again, a couple must look at what’s happened in the relationship, understand why, and be willing to change how they communicate. If there’s been dishonesty, there will need to be more transparency – a commitment from both sides to communicate more openly.
For example, it might be important to be clear about what you’re both doing on a daily basis, and where you’re going. This isn’t surveillance – it’s just being thoughtful and reliable.
If you detect any reluctance or sourness from him, or a sense of ‘naughty boy reporting to teacher’, it won’t work.
RED FLAGS
He’s still lying
If he’s been lying, you’ll have lost trust. And if you don’t feel you can trust him again, or he’s still being dishonest, there’s no foundation for a relationship. Only if you believe you could rebuild trust, and there’s a willingness from both of you to work on it, is there enough hope to give it another go.
However, some women feel so betrayed, they can’t – and that is absolutely your decision. If you feel you’ll be constantly checking up on him because he lied, you may well decide you don’t want to be that person. It’s something to work out yourself – not necessarily with your partner.
The killer question
If a woman is unsure whether to give it another go, I’d suggest she asks herself, ‘Would I want my children to have this kind of relationship?’ or ‘Is this a healthy model for my kids?’ They often then realise, ‘This is not a relationship I’d recommend.’
It’s a battle about who’s right
You can disagree but still be interested in the other person. A good relationship isn’t a series of battles about who has it their way because ‘they’re right’. Can you both acknowledge the impact you have on each other?
For example, if he’s playing music and you ask him to turn it down because you can’t think straight, does he understand that – regardless of his personal opinion – the noise is unpleasant for you, and turn it down? Or does he reply, ‘It’s not loud.’
He blames you for everything
Is he prepared to take some responsibility for his behaviour and for whatever’s going on between you? If he blames you for everything, it’s not an adult relationship and not the best climate for a marriage to thrive. It may be that he feels he has practical responsibilities and lives up to them well. You may feel that’s not enough.
FINALLY: Make sure you know what YOU want
To know whether a relationship is worth saving, it’s really important for both people to reflect on what matters to them. If you find out your husband is thinking of leaving – or if he’s actually upped and gone – you might be too shocked and betrayed to think clearly about what you want.
But when one person leaves, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the only partner who had issues. Ask yourself: ‘Was I happy in this relationship? Was it working for me? Have I outgrown it as well?’
Made your mind up? Here’s my five-step fix
If you now recognise that your husband may be about leave, but you have decided you want him to stay, follow these five steps
STEP ONE: Ask what isn’t working
You aren’t allowed to tie him to a chair! In all seriousness, if you do hope he’ll stay, there must be an honest exchange between you. A question to ask him is ‘What isn’t working for you in this relationship?’ He might say, ‘You’re just so angry with me all the time.’ Or ‘The way you’ve tried to deal with the problems in our relationship isn’t working.’
STEP TWO: Reflect and adjust
You may have to reflect on the impact you’re having, and on why he’s saying he’s leaving – and be interested in that. You may have to accept that some aspect of your behaviour will have to change.
But it’s critically important that you do not lose every ounce of who you are and every principle to make him stay. A relationship where you’ve lost every grain of yourself isn’t worth having.
STEP THREE: Decide on your joint rules for re-setting
If you agree on a fresh start, or a reset, it’s crucial to think about ‘where we are now’. Can you talk about ‘what do you need, what do I need, what does this relationship need? How can we reset it?’ It’s got to feel democratic.
STEP FOUR: Both make an effort to be attractive
Physical attraction is a sensitive issue, but it’s one for both partners to reflect on. One way we show that we care is by making an effort. We think about how we come across to each other. Physical appearance has mattered in evolution! If you know your partner likes it when you dress up now and then, why not do it?
But it’s not just about how we look. We show that we care for our relationship by keeping healthy too. That can play its own part in making sure our sex life is in good shape.
STEP FIVE: Let him leave
Sounds counter-intuitive, but sometimes the cliché really does hold, and when a woman discovers her independence, a man realises what he’s lost. Of course, you might like that independence far too much to have him back…
Be aware that if he does leave, it’s essential to find some supportive friends or family to help you through it. If you’re distressed and grieving, you’re not in the best position to negotiate the end of your marriage in an adult way. You can’t force him to stay if he doesn’t want to – but truly, you wouldn’t want that.
Think about what your future might look like without him; work out your own boundaries and limits. And then see.
