My wife insists we should combine our bank accounts now we are married. We are both on our second marriage and didn’t really talk about how we wanted to handle finances as we’ve been quite relaxed about our lives ahead, and with our kids almost grown-up.
I feel resistant to the idea, but I am not sure why. She hasn’t been irresponsible with money or anything like that. It’s more about the timing of her demand that’s making me uncomfortable.
It’s very much in keeping with her character to be on top of everything, but sometimes it gets too much. We both earn a decent salary but she is becoming frustrated with my resistance to pooling our funds. I’m also annoyed that I can’t get to the bottom of why her wanting us to be joined in finances is bothering me so much.
A.W. via email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: First let me commend you for pausing to reflect before making a decision about something that clearly feels significant.
I feel you have already identified some important clues about what might be going on.
You mention that your wife asking to combine bank accounts makes you uncomfortable, despite her not being irresponsible with money.
What stands out to me is that her timing and the way she presented the idea seem to have triggered something in you. This may be about merging accounts, but we still need to explore whether her demand has latched on to a fear in you of what marriage brings.
If you were worried it would be a slippery slope of demands, then you might be interpreting a request coming from a ‘practical’ point of view as a heavier demand – for more commitment from you, more resources, and so on.
Have you asked yourself what combining accounts means to you? For some people, it represents deeper intimacy, trust and a united front. But for others, it can feel like a loss of independence, a sort of financial annexation that signals a shift in control or freedom.
What emotion are you feeling in response to this request? Is it anger or suspicion? Is it fear or a sense of overwhelm? Spelling out what it is that gets evoked in you could help. Imagine you had to draw it in a vignette – which emotion would your character be expressing (fear, anger?) and what action would they be taking? Holding on to their money protectively or wanting to run away from everything?
Try to identify which part of you has raised a red flag. Is it a young part of you that watched parents argue endlessly about finances and wants to prevent the same thing from happening in your relationship? Is it a part of you that struggles to trust others (when it comes to money, or more generally) and fears from your first marriage that partners eventually are exploitative and selfish?
Or is it a part of you that needs a certain degree of autonomy in relationships or else they start feeling ‘suffocated’ or excessively controlled in them?
On the latter point, you mentioned your wife can be ‘on top of things’ and that it sometimes feels too much. This is an important clue. Could her request to merge finances be coming across as another one of those moments where her efficiency, or need for order, encroaches on your sense of autonomy?
Perhaps you fear her request for joint accounts grants her access to a whole new area of your life in which you had felt a decent amount of freedom until now.
It might help to explore what you feel you’re being asked to give up. Is it your financial privacy? The sense of control over your own earnings? Or perhaps it’s the fear of losing a buffer between your individual identities in this new chapter.
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For some people, combining bank accounts feels symbolic – like crossing a final threshold from ‘I’ to ‘we’.
You might want to have a conversation with your wife in which you can explain that you would like some time to better understand why you are resistant to this request. If you’ve identified a fear of giving up autonomy, you could express that to her and together explore options like keeping your own accounts for personal spending and a joint one for shared expenses.
There are multiple options for compromise that might work.
Finally, be kind to yourself. It is natural to feel conflicted about a choice that isn’t just practical but can be highly symbolic. At the start of a marriage we are still adapting and digesting the idea of what it all means to have made a commitment to the other – no matter your age. Finding a balance that works for both parties in terms of closeness and autonomy is a long process with no right or wrong answers. What certainly helps is open communication and leaving room for different views.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
