If she found out, it would be over. She would never forgive me,’ a client once said to me, full of fear and shame that what had started as a bit of fun had turned into an uncontrollable addiction.
He and his girlfriend’s finances were now in a precarious situation because they were counting on his savings for their future plans, including buying a flat together.
He couldn’t face telling her that all the money was gone. In its place there was now a five-digit debt.
I’m sorry to say the relationship did not survive.
My client still receives counselling and is trying to turn his life around, paying off debts and working two jobs.
His addiction wrecked his original life goals, and he now has a new set of aspirations, which are helping him see life in a positive way.
Financial secrets are unfortunately more common than we’d like to think. In the UK, two out of five people in a relationship admit to financial ‘infidelity’, according to research by Aviva.
The more worrying statistic is that only one in ten lies is confessed by the apologetic partner. In the other nine in ten cases, they are found out.
So what are the signs that your partner might be gambling away your money? While every situation is different, there are common red flags you should not ignore…
1. They ask cash for no good reason
A request for financial help without a clear explanation might be a sign that your partner is covering up gambling losses.
Sometimes you’ll notice subtle inconsistencies, like them telling you they will withdraw £100 from the joint account for groceries but the amount withdrawn ends up being £200.
2. Newly secretive about finances
If your partner becomes unusually secretive about their bank statements, dodges conversations about loans or debt, or gets defensive when discussing money, they could be hiding something.
They might avoid conversations about future financial plans or make jokes and change the subject when money is brought up by friends or family.
3. Conceals their digital devices
If your partner suddenly changes passwords, deletes messages or becomes secretive about their phone or laptop usage, they may be trying to conceal gambling activity.
Watch for signs such as a laptop getting shut as you walk into the room or a phone that gets locked as you lean over, for example.
Suspicious behaviour around the technology used for gambling is often a major indicator.
One client bought a second laptop, which he kept hidden from his partner and which he used exclusively for gambling.
4. Cuts off close relationships
BorrowinG from friends or family can lead to strained relationships. If your partner seems to be distancing themselves from certain people, it could be because they owe them money.
People experiencing gambling addiction often isolate themselves to avoid confrontation.
I’ve had clients tell me that they cannot face the shame of being unable to repay others, saying: ‘I know I’ll win big soon and give them the money back, but until then I can’t see them.’
5. wants access to your accounts
Some gamblers manipulate their partners into sharing financial access under the guise of convenience, only to misuse the funds.
It’s not always premeditated, as one client told me. ‘I just transferred a small amount and the plan was to give it back before she even noticed it was gone, but then I had a very unlucky losing streak,’ they said.
6. You catch them on your gadgets
Finding gambling websites or apps on your devices that you don’t remember installing could be a giveaway.
But someone can actually hide apps on your phone.
So review recently installed apps, or check the list of apps installed on your phone in case a gambling-related one has been downloaded.
7. Requests your identification
An addict may want to open new gambling accounts or take out loans in your name, so be wary if they ask to see your passport or driver’s licence out of the blue.
Register with services that restrict gambling-related activities, such as GAMSTOP (gam stop.co.uk), which blocks access to gambling sites on your device.
8. You get adverts for gambling
If promotional emails, casino offers or betting-site advertisements appear in your inbox unexpectedly, it might indicate recent gambling activity.
9. Their attitude to you changes
If they are feeling guilty, they might try to compensate by being overly affectionate or accommodating, or giving in other ways. I’ve known of addicts who shower their partner with expensive
jewellery and clothes when they are on a winning streak, only to struggle to pay a grocery bill the following week.
However, usually when a partner who gambles has such trouble managing their addiction that they now dip into their partner’s funds, they tend to feel a deep sense of shame and that leads them to withdraw emotionally. You might get a sense that they are avoiding you.
Your partner might seem particularly stressed, which could result in irritability and mood swings. This could be a sign that they are hiding financial problems as a result of the addiction.
During a losing streak, clients confess to struggling to manage their anger. Even if their partner isn’t to blame, they bear the brunt.
What to do if you suspect gambling
While none of the above on its own is proof that your partner is gambling your money away, they are signs to look out for.
if you have suspicions, it is important that you approach the situation with a calm and compassionate mindset.
Gambling addiction is a recognised mental health disorder and, while their actions may be infuriating and have devastating consequences, your partner may already be
Battling shame and regret.
Many problem gamblers want to change but feel trapped by their addiction. When confronting your partner, avoid accusations and focus instead on what you have noticed.
For example, you could say: ‘I found out you logged into my bank account,’ or ‘I noticed you borrowed money from a friend.’
Next, ask an open-ended question such as: ‘Can you help me understand what’s going on?’
This approach gives them space to explain and opens the door for an honest conversation.
If they deny the issue but you become increasingly convinced that they are abusing your finances, you will need to establish financial boundaries to protect your money.
Monitor your finances closely, change your passwords and seek advice from financial and legal experts if needed.
There are good resources on gamfam.org.uk, an organisation offering support to the families of those with a gambling addiction.
If your partner admits to a gambling problem, encourage them to contact the National Gambling Helpline (0808 8020 133) or visit the GamCare website (gamcare.org.uk) to chat with an adviser and find other resources.
@vickyreynalpsychotherapy
- Has your partner lost a fortune through gambling? Email: moneymail@dailymail.co.uk
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