Dear Jana,
I came out of a long-term relationship at the start of the year, and since then I’ve been catching up for lost time. I’ve slept with more men in the past few months than I did in my single years before meeting my ex. Honestly, it’s been so liberating flirting, having fun and getting a bit of myself back.
But I’m the only one in my friendship group who’s single (I’m 43F). While they’re all busy talking about school runs and house renovations, I’m out there living my best life. And when I tell them about it, I get the ‘oh, you’re still doing that?’ look. It’s starting to make me wonder if I’ve gone too far.
Do I need to rein it in before I turn into the talk of the group chat? Or is this just part of moving on and finding myself again?
Sincerely, Single & Spiralling.
Dear Single & Spiralling,
I have three words for you… Get. It. Girl.
Forget about being the only single one in your friendship group and break free from the shackles of judgment (which, let’s be honest, is usually just jealousy in disguise). Go have some fun! It sounds like you’re feeling wanted again, rediscovering your confidence, and enjoying a newly revived libido. That can only be a good thing, right?
As long as you’re being safe (condoms are friends, not foes!) and choosing men who are kind, who cares who you’re getting naked with? You’re living your best life, and that’s what matters.
Now, about your friends and their oh-so-riveting chats about school runs and home renovations… snore! Honestly, who cares that Sally extended her verandah or Lucy was late to pick up the kids? What I’d much rather hear about is who got shagged recently and how they did it. Those are the conversations worth having!
If your friends are giving you side-eye for your saucy adventures, it might be time to ask yourself: are these the people I want to confide in right now? Life’s too short for judgmental vibes.
That said, it doesn’t mean you need to ditch them entirely. Keep them for the wholesome stuff, but maybe extend your friendship circle. Find some fabulous, Sex-and-the-City types who will cheer you on, share their wild stories, and help you celebrate this exciting new chapter. I promise you, there are plenty of us out there!
So no, you don’t need to rein it in. You’re not ‘spiralling’; you’re thriving. Own it, enjoy it, and never let anyone dull your sparkle.
Dear Jana,
Me and my sister-in-law have been sexting for years and we finally made it happen. It was amazing, but now she’s keen to keep it going. The thing is, her marriage is pretty much dead in the water, but mine’s not bad. I’m starting to think this is getting too heavy. It was meant to be a bit of fun, not a whole new mess. How do I tell her to pump the brakes without this blowing up in my face?
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually, no, I don’t – you kind of sound like a d***), but this is what happens when you dip your toes in someone else’s pond outside your own damn marriage. People catch ‘the feels’.
It’s giving Jerry Springer. It’s giving Ricki Lake. It’s giving scandal with a side of buffoonery. And I expect you’re going to be hit with karma pretty soon.
That said, I get it, taboo is tempting, and your sister-in-law was clearly serving it up on a platter. But now you’re here, wondering how to pump the brakes without detonating your own life. Spoiler alert: you’re not escaping unscathed, mate.
So, what’s the remedy? You need to grow a spine and end it – yesterday. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that while it was fun (albeit reckless), it’s over. Be firm, be clear and brace yourself for the fallout. Because, trust me, she might not take it lightly. We women can get a bit touchy about a bloke blowing us off after we’ve shown them our lady parts. But that’s not your problem anymore – it’s damage-control time.
And – for the love of God, man – take this as a wake-up call. Your marriage might be ‘not bad’ but clearly there’s room for improvement if you’re seeking thrills in the family circle. Was there seriously no one else you could have chosen? Maybe channel that energy into spicing things up at home instead of playing with fire at the in-laws’ house.
Remember, you can’t undo what’s done, but you can stop making it worse. Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Dear Jana,
After two weeks in Italy, I feel like my husband and I reconnected in a way we haven’t in years. There was something about being away from work and kids that made everything feel like it did when we first met.
We had time for proper conversations, we laughed more, and, well, the intimacy was better than it’s been in a long time.
But now we’re back to real life and work, house, kids, and the endless daily responsibilities. I don’t want to fall straight back into that autopilot mode where we’re too tired or distracted to even kiss properly, let alone keep up the same spark we had on holiday. How do we bring a bit of that holiday energy into our lives at home? Is it even possible to keep that magic alive once reality kicks back in?
Kath.
Dear Kath,
First of all, congrats on getting that spark back. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and this couple said the key to their marriage was taking a holiday once a year without their kids. In fact, they’ve made it a non-negotiable. It gave them time to reconnect and gave them something exciting to look forward to. I love that idea. Who said all holidays need to be at a horrendous family park? Ick.
The good news is, the holiday magic isn’t some mythical beast that only exists in Italian sunsets. It’s a mindset. And I reckon you can absolutely bring a touch of it home if you’re willing to try.
Step one: Schedule those date nights like your life depends on it. And I mean proper ones. Not the ‘Netflix and stare at your phones’ kind. I’m talking dinners, cocktails or even a night at a swanky hotel.
And another, rather taboo suggestion… a study (yes, an actual one, not just me ranting) found that couples who take MDMA together report deeper connections and more open communication. I know one couple who do it, and they rave about how ‘under the influence’ they can share their problems with each other ‘in a cloud of zen’ and it results in them really listening to each other, as opposed to just taking all feedback as negative and shouting at each other. Now, I’m not saying you should go full ‘rave mum’ on us (and yes, it is illegal here in Australia) but the takeaway here is: you need intentional time to reconnect. No kids, no chores, no excuses.
Speaking of creative ways to keep the spark alive, Coleen Rooney once shared a story about her and Wayne sneaking out to the annex of their Cheshire mansion for secret date nights. They even hired a babysitter, pretended to go out, and then stayed in the annex to watch TV and have a takeaway. Unfortunately, their son found them using the Life360 app. OK, sure, it’s a little extravagant – but the idea stands. Why not go for a cheeky drive with your hubby and sneak in some backseat action down a quiet street? Hot. Doesn’t need to be a big, expensive date.
Step two: Remember what got you hot for each other in the first place. Was it his sense of humour? Your playful teasing? Those flirty texts? Bring it back! Send a racy message during the day or leave a naughty note in his lunch bag. Trust me, it’s the little things that keep the magic alive.
Finally: Take a page from your Italian playbook: Slow down. Share a glass of wine after the kids are in bed. Light some candles (yes, even the fancy ones you save for guests). And for goodness’ sake, stop treating intimacy like a chore. You’re not folding laundry; you’re reigniting a spark.
So yes, the magic is possible. It just takes effort, creativity and a willingness to leave your autopilot mode at the door. Now go and book that babysitter! They sure are cheaper than a therapist.
