It’s no secret that couples with children are more likely to divorce than ones without.
But family law expert Cassandra Kalpaxis says this doesn’t have to be the case, and in fact there are proven ways to divorce-proof your marriage and get through the ‘danger zones’ where couples are most likely to throw in the towel.
While every divorce is different, there are two crucial points of vulnerability for any marriage with children: when the kids are small, and when they leave home or finish school.
But regardless of when the relationship ends, one thing remains the same in the majority of cases: both parties feel alienated, like they are married to a stranger.
‘They have been busy raising kids, working, keeping life together,’ Cassandra, a 37-year-old lawyer who has been working with families since 2011, told FEMAIL.
‘And while they are busy looking the other way, pouring all of their love and effort into their kids, emotional detachment creeps into their marriage.’
Cassandra says most of her clients admit they are married to a complete stranger – and the number of children they share does not appear to affect the outcome.
Having guided many couples through the divorce process, this is her expert advice on the best way to keep a marriage happy and intact.
1. Date nights at home
Cassandra says the key to keeping a family together is for both partners to put the same energy into their relationship with each another that they put into their children.
‘It is about making a commitment to understanding, “Yes, we are parents, but we are also partners.” You need to invest in marriage same way [you do] in children.’
This is easier said than done, of course. Children can be extremely demanding of your time and date nights are expensive – especially when babysitters are added to the mix.
Cassandra’s solution is to commit to weekly date nights and, if necessary, keep them within the home. Yes, a dinner in front of the TV may not sound as romantic as a fancy restaurant – but it’s the connection that matters, not the venue.
‘You don’t need to do something lavish or expensive,’ she said. ‘Dressing up and going out for a fancy dinner in this economic client is unachievable for many.
‘But you can set aside Thursday nights, once the kids are in bed, for a date at home.’
2. Put your phones away
When a married couple with children is setting time aside for one another, it’s vital that this is time well-spent.
Cassandra says you need to be ‘in connection’ during these moments.
This means no doom-scrolling, no texting others, and no glancing at notifications. The best way to do this is simple: put your phones in another room.
3. Watch the conversation
Another thing to remember is that one-to-one time is about just that: the two of you.
If you’re on a date night, or just grabbing a few spare minutes together while the kids are asleep, try to guide the conversation towards topics that do not involve your little ones.
So often couples break up because they wake up one day and realise their children are the only thing they have in common. This can easily happen if their conversations are always about the children.
Making a mental note to have one in-depth conversation a week that does not relate to the kids is an easy way to prevent your marriage from falling into this trap.
4. The 90-minute rule
In order to connect with one another in a meaningful way, Cassandra says couples should dedicate at least 90 minutes per week to quality time with one another.
Put the phones and Netflix away and check in on each other. It doesn’t have to be done all at once – you can spread it out over the week – but it has to be consistent.
These check-ins are a perfect opportunity to lean into you and your partner’s love languages (more on those later).
‘People without kids do this all the time, which is why they don’t break up as often as couples with children,’ she said.
‘They constantly make plans around each other and keep each other up to date with their passions so they are always aligned,’ she said.
‘Of course people without kids still divorce; it just doesn’t happen as often.’
5. Align your goals
Cassandra says couples who share hobbies or upskill together are also more likely to stay together and have a strong relationship.
And if these interests align with their long-term goals as a couple, that’s even better.
A good example of this would be learning a new language with a view to spending time abroad sometime in the future.
Learning to garden is also a shared hobby that nurtures a marriage because it’s a skill that also provides ample opportunity for conversation and building a home together.
6. Understand your partner’s love language
‘It is important to remember your partner’s love language. That thing they need to feel valued and secure, and to use it,’ Cassandra says.
The five ‘love languages’ were popularised by the American author Gary Chapman. They refer to the ways in which people express and experience love differently.
The love languages are: words of affirmation (verbal expressions of love), acts of service (showing you love someone by caring or providing for them), receiving gifts (exchanging presents to show your love), quality time (giving your partner undivided attention), and physical touch (e.g. showing love through hugs, hand-holding).
If you know your partner’s love language, it helps you realise the type of affection they like to give and receive, leading to deeper connection and understanding.
It ensures your efforts are appreciated, and theirs in return, and enables a couple to meet each other’s emotional needs effectively.
7. Recognise alienation – the marriage killer
When you don’t know your partner’s love language, misunderstandings become resentment, which leads to couples become alienated from each other.
Cassandra says alienation is more likely to trigger divorce than an affair.
‘Yes, there are people who break up because of emotional or physical infidelity, but most of the time it is because they have grown apart,’ she says.
‘Sometimes the infidelity is just seen as the way out.’
In many cases, it isn’t too late to reconnect
‘I always suggest people have an open and honest conversation about wanting a divorce and why,’ Cassandra says.
‘This is an opportunity to talk about if they are just in a rut, or if it actually is the end of their relationship.’
These conversations can be difficult, especially if the estrangement has been developing slowly for years.
Cassandra has worked with many clients who have asked her to initiate divorce proceedings, only to pull out after having this heart-to-heart with their other half.
‘The success of this approach depends on whether both people are prepared to do what needs to be done to find that connection and work on the relationship,’ she said.
It’s at this stage that women are more likely to call it quits, Cassandra finds.
‘Sometimes these chats don’t work and you have to end it and that’s okay, too.’
8. Mums: put yourself first for a change
Cassandra said mothers can help their relationships in the long term by being more selfish.
‘Women often lose ourselves to the caregiver role. They are constantly making sure everyone else is alright and we put ourselves last,’ she said.
‘They eat last, sleep last, see the doctor last, prioritise others, let their husbands go out and have fun with their friends while they stay at home with the kids.
‘And by the time they realise there’s a problem, the resentment had built up and they are heading for divorce.’
Cassandra, herself a wife and mother, refuses to put herself last. She makes sure she is able to travel, work and fulfill her needs – and she’s happier for it.
‘When women juggle being full-time mums with working, nursing and looking after the house, that’s when resentment and alienation creep in,’ she says.
9. Divorce isn’t always the end
In most cases an appointment with a family lawyer marks the beginning of the end of a marriage.
But sometimes clients return to Cassandra after divorcing and announce they are back together.
‘After a period of soul-searching and self-work they realise they had to lose each other to realise what they had,’ she says.
‘They realise their relationship issues were caused by all the other noise creeping in.’
